I’ve been planning on exposing my ex as the ridiculous piece of shit she is after my last shift in the museum…but today i decided- or at least was pushed back into leaving it be after talking to my bubkis wisdom cricket Jo (that was pretty much her bestie untill she decided that jo wasn’t necessary anymore, and now jo wants to see her teethless after a severe beating as much as it do) reminded me that if i do this- calling her on her shit- i must be sure of why i am doing this and don’t let it spiral offboard and losing my cool cuz she would counter attack through that….And again.consider what i want to prove with doing this- because my drives and my goals are not steered around my hate, or shouldn’t be. And she doesn’t deserve the air time.
And it hit me- it is true that i do things for my self pleasure,for me,but me being able to buy brand and take it to work is also because i can rub it in her face that i can purchase expensive stuff i like without having her convincing me that i shouldn’t. And me leaving invitations at work for shows n stuff i participate in is also to rub it in her face that i, the “failed lazy artist” can do gorgeous things and achieve recognition by myself, and rub it in her face the fact that i am a better worker everytime i get asked to do a visit or that i’m praised by my bosses as an example for the team, and specially now i have been also rubbing it in her face my entrance into a college abroad that i can actually go to when she demoted me of my idea of doing so.
And this thought made me angry- 2 and something years after it still wires me. And i remembered myself in those first 3 months of 2012 and i started to cry because i had let someone get into my head and corrupt my ideals and my way of being, like a freaking virus, making me a defenseless little tamed creature that she was ashamed of because i was “ok-ish” and not perfect. And how crushed i was after all was over and how useless i felt, and without direction i though i was.
And look at me now.
Jo is right. I need to solve this in my head cuz my drive cannot be clutched to my hate towards that good-for-nothing human that thinks she’s the queen of righteousness.I thought i had done me enough. i thought it was ok to feel that spike of aggressiveness when i have to interact with her. I thought i could say “look at me dickwad,i’m awesome and you’re not!” but that is focusing my attention on her,and not me.
I must prove to my past self that this is needless cuz it’s just too much over a nothing. And i can’t- there was no distance, there was no apologies nor deaths- she just went from a person i loved dearly to a person i cannot stand because she is still the amalgamation of a ton of features that i hate and were red flagged but i didn’t do nothing. And i’m ashamed for not having done it because i overlooked situations i would call out because it was her even if i knew i should have acted.
And i am the one that does all these works. I am the one that is beginning a new life, a week before my 28th birthday. I am the one that has a good love,a fairly happy work environment (as long as i don’t have to interact with her this is, that always gets me moody and nervous) and prove that i’m worthy of all this without parancing around my enemies.
I want to be ready to let go of this pettiness. I want to.
So why can’t i?